i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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