She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
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Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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