ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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