i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i think i have two assholes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
