turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
