she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
