it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
