you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
