I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
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she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
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Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Someone came in the potted fern
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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