Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
