the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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