Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
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