In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
