More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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