I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we're making bets on your personal life
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
