Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
