Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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