I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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