I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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