After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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