The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
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