literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
