The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
