so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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