i need an iv and a liver transplant
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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