Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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