We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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