dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
