Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
