Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
