Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
