there's paper in my vomit.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
