Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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