Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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