Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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