I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
