I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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