Operation Purity has been aborted
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
