This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
