In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
