come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
