I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
try to milk me bitch
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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