I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
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well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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