i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
