I wish my penis had an off switch
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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