Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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