dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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