How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
