If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
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You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"