literally had 100 drinks last night.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
do you believe in love at first sight?
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
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Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?