Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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