I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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