brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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