In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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