Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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